Ready for a relationship that gets stronger when emotions get big?
And yes — this skill transforms your friendships, your family, your clients, and every relationship where real trust exists.
Does this sound familiar?
- You can feel the charge building between you and your partner — you understand exactly what’s happening, you can explain it in perfect language — and yet in the actual moment you still shut down, get sharp, or pull away. Afterward you’re left thinking, Why does all my insight evaporate right when I need it most?
- You’re steady, grounded, and wise with clients, friends, and even strangers. But with the one person you love most, their intensity (or yours) hits a spot in you that none of your tools can touch. It’s confusing because it doesn’t match the rest of your life — and you know you’re capable of more.
- There are moments when the connection
feels incredible
— like you’re right on the edge of the intimacy you’ve been searching for. But then a surge of
emotion comes up,
someone gets overwhelmed, and
a familiar pattern pulls you both out of closeness. You’re left with the sense that you’re
inches away from something extraordinary, but you
don’t have the skill to reach it consistently.
Let's put an end to all of that!
Hi, I'm Ilya!
I’m a licensed couples therapist, a speaker,
and the creator of Transformative Listening — a method that teaches people how to turn emotional intensity into extraordinary intimacy in real time.
Most high-capacity people have done an enormous amount of work — you understand your patterns, your history, your triggers. You’re emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and thoughtful.
And still — none of that gives you the real-time skill you need in the moments that matter most.
That’s where my work lives.
Not in reflection.
Not in communication techniques.
In the moment where everything actually happens.
I teach a structured, learnable method for meeting emotional intensity together — so closeness becomes reliable instead of fragile. Once you know how to work with each other in real time, connection stops breaking under pressure and starts getting stronger because of it.
If you’re ready for intimacy that matches the level you live your life — you’re in the right place.
I didn't arrive at this work through theory —
I lived it
Before I could guide anyone else, I had to find my own way through the very patterns I now help people transform.
I didn’t always have the clarity and grounded presence I have now.
In my early life, I learned to keep my feelings tucked away — to act okay on the outside even when things were messy or confusing inside. It worked on the surface, but over time I stopped showing —
or even noticing — the parts of myself that actually needed support.
As a child, I immigrated from the USSR to the United States at nine years old. Overnight everything felt unfamiliar — the language, the culture, the rules of how kids interacted. Just months later my parents divorced. With so much happening all at once, I didn't have the space or support to feel any of it. I learned to stay strong, look cheerful, and push down anything that felt overwhelming.
For years, I perfected the role of the cool, unbothered rebel
I masked what I was feeling by acting laid-back and unbothered — always chasing fun, staying busy, and doing whatever distracted me from anything real. By the end of high school, I was deep in it. I was doing things that felt exciting and wild on the outside but were actually extremely risky. And then
one of my closest friends — someone I loved deeply — died of a drug overdose. That snapped me out of it.
I couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine.
I switched to pursuing truth at all costs
I started reshaping every part of my life, and by midway through college everything looked different. I stopped partying completely and threw myself into a strict structure — daily workouts, nonstop study, and a total single-pointed pursuit of truth.
Anyone who met me then remembers me as intense. I was consumed with understanding the nature of reality and the purpose of existence.
And then it happened —
I had an awakening.
I became completely unconstrained and fearless. I apprehended the spiritual dimension of reality — how matter felt secondary and Spirit felt like the real event. I lived from a deep inner certainty that all is well. It was extraordinary.
But there was a problem I couldn’t see at the time:
I still hadn't dealt with the pain I'd been carrying underneath.
So my enlightenment was tainted, and my awakening unraveled.
As I tried to hold on to it, I became completely untethered from consensus reality — burning through relationships and losing my grip on basic functioning.
I learned this the hard way. I hit
rock bottom, like an Icarus falling out of the sky.
Climbing out of rock bottom meant finally facing what I had been running from.
The first step out was meditation. I committed to it daily, eventually living full-time at a meditation center and supporting silent retreats. The structured practice gave me access to the same awakening experience I’d had earlier — but it was still happening in isolation.
When I re-entered the social world, my center of unshakeable love crumbled. Meditation insights and stabilized retreat states didn’t hold up in the crucible of real relationship.
💡I needed something that could work with the raw intensity of emotions as they arose in real connection.
So I pursued therapy, coaching, and personal growth retreats, determined to get to the bottom of my unwanted emotions. I wanted to actually bring my heart’s truth into intimate connection.
And then, in a workshop exploring relational work, something unexpected happened. What I thought would be a simple share turned into
tears pouring down my face — sobs of relief and gratitude that shocked me with their intensity. I discovered how much
healing was waiting just beneath the surface, needing only the right invitation and the right relational context.
This is what happens when you know how to work with emotions in real time
For nearly two decades, I’ve thrown myself fully into the practice of transmuting negative emotions. I’ve created the life of my dreams — surrounded by deep relationships, rooted in community, raising a family, all while being fully myself.
After 15 years together and while raising two kids, my wife and I are
more passionate, more playful, and more connected than when we first met. That’s not because we’re perfect — it’s because we don’t let emotional intensity sit in the dark.
Nothing stays unspoken. Nothing festers. We work with everything in real time, and that lets us grow fast, stay open, and deepen instead of calcifying.
We live in a well-known Ecovillage where our kids swim in the pond with their friends, where there’s a crew of twenty kids ready to play on any snow day, and where adults we trust know and love our kids like family. We ski the trails outside our door, travel across continents, and share workshops, retreats, ecstatic dance parties, men’s and women’s groups, contact improv, performances, and our famously intense ping-pong tournament.
Recently, Ecovillage friends asked my wife and me to officiate their wedding because they see us as
an example of what a conscious, emotionally alive couple can look like. We built this life by refusing to hide from ourselves or each other — by letting emotional intensity bring us closer, not farther apart.
As we enter our mid-40s, we’re getting more adventurous, more curious, and more alive — the opposite of the closed-down rigidity I see in so many people over time. And here’s the thing: while not everyone will choose an Ecovillage,
everyone can learn to create extraordinary intimacy in their most important relationships. Everyone can learn to turn unwanted emotional moments into fuel for growth, clarity, and connection.
This path isn’t limited to couples. It transforms friendships, family, community bonds, and leadership. Any relationship becomes extraordinary when emotional intensity becomes workable.
Why this matters — and why I teach it
Society teaches us to suppress emotions just to get through the day. But this doesn’t just make life harder — it blocks our potential.
When we receive deep, unconditional attention from another person, the barriers that hold us back — fear, shame, confusion, unmet needs — literally dissolve. Transformative Listening teaches you how to offer that kind of presence and how to receive it.
Imagine being surrounded by people who can meet your emotional world in real time — people who see you, support you, and help you rise to your highest potential. Imagine you being able to do the same for them.
This isn’t just personal healing.
It’s
social technology.
While traditional approaches focus on individual change, Transformative Listening reorganizes how we function together. For those who feel called to reshape how humans connect, this practice becomes the foundation for the communities, relationships, and culture you’re here to create.
The deeper reason I created Transformative Listening
Most conscious people don’t get stuck because they lack insight —
they get stuck because insight disappears in the moments when emotions get big.
The very moments that could become openings for deeper connection
become the places where everything breaks down.
You know exactly what’s happening.
You can even articulate it perfectly afterward.
But in the heat of the moment, your system still reacts, shuts down, or pulls away.
During my Master’s training in Counseling Psychology, I saw something surprising:
the real-time relational skill people actually need wasn’t being taught anywhere —
not in graduate school, not in professional settings,
not in the spaces where emotional work is “supposed” to happen.
And that’s the gap most people never realize they’re up against
you can understand your patterns deeply
and still not have the skill to work with emotion as it’s unfolding.
That’s why I created Transformative Listening.
Instead of relying on insight alone, you learn a real-time relational method
you can use in the exact moments where emotions rise —
inside your relationship, with your family, in your leadership, and in any moment that matters.
It gives both people the understanding, the repetition, and the embodied mastery
needed to change what happens right there, on the spot —
in the emotional moments of real life.
We’re taught to stay composed and self-regulated, but real intimacy requires something else:
the ability to meet any emotion — yours or someone else’s —
and turn it into connection and growth as it’s happening.
When someone meets you in that moment — not later —
old pain unwinds, fear softens, and the real you comes forward.
Transformative Listening teaches that skill.
It’s a learnable method for turning emotional intensity into connection every single time it appears.
This is more than communication.
This is more than insight or tools.
It’s a real-time relational technology — the missing piece for anyone who wants extraordinary intimacy
and the ability to stay connected when emotions get big.
In partnership, family, community, or leadership.
Values at the Core of Transformative Listening
Real Support in the Moments That Actually Matter
Emotional intensity doesn’t happen once a week — it happens when life happens.

Transformative Listening gives you a
real-time relational skill, so you’re not waiting for the next session, the next conversation, or the next cooldown to reconnect.
The relationships you build here can support you right when emotions rise, helping you turn charged moments into closeness instead of distance.
Your System Knows What It Needs — We Help You Access It
The deepest transformation doesn’t come from advice, interpretation, or someone telling you what your emotions mean.

It comes from
being met — deeply, accurately, and in real time — so your own system can reveal what’s true and reorganize from the inside out.
Transformative Listening helps you access that wisdom with clarity, precision, and trust.
Healing Flows Both Ways — Giving Is Transformative Too
In this practice, you learn to both give and receive the kind of presence that dissolves emotional barriers and creates profound connection.
Offering this level of attention is not just supportive —
it activates your own healing, confidence, and relational mastery.
You become someone who can stay open, grounded, and connected even when emotions get big.
Featured In:
Listen to my conversation with Valeria Teles on A Quest for Wellbeing where we explore why traditional communication tools fail in real emotional moments — and how Transformative Listening unlocks real-time healing and connection.
A Personal Story of Awakening, Crisis, and Relational Mastery
Get exclusive access to my self-revelatory performance — a vulnerable, deeply personal graduation thesis where I share the inner journey that shaped Transformative Listening.

Listen to my conversation on the Better MENtal Health Podcast where we explore why men suppress emotion, what actually heals in real time, and how Transformative Listening turns intense feelings into connection instead of shutdown.
What people are saying:
Transformative Listening cracked something open in me that I didn’t even know was possible. After one particularly powerful session, I woke up early the next morning releasing wave after wave of emotion, and then suddenly felt how safe, supported, and loved I actually am. It just poured through me.
One of the biggest shifts has been in my relationship. We had a moment recently where my system went into full panic, and instead of shutting down like I always do, I actually stayed with it. My partner held me in a way neither of us had ever experienced before. We were able to work with what was coming up right there in the moment, together, and it changed something deep in both of us.
That kind of in-the-moment support created a huge shift for me. It helped something old finally let go.
This practice is helping me, helping us, and I’m grateful for it every day.
Jason Smith, Entrepreneur, Florida
I originally came to this work because I wanted to connect better with my kids. I knew something in me was blocked, but it was vague. I hadn’t cried in twenty years. I wasn’t feeling much of anything.
The method looked simple at first, but once we actually started working in real time, something shifted. I opened up in places I didn’t even know were closed. I explored things I hadn’t touched in decades.
And when I finally did cry, it was like, oh, right, I’m human. I can feel again.
Emotions don’t feel scary anymore. I trust myself more with the people in my life. Even my relationships feel different. I can meet emotional moments instead of pulling away. I’m even bringing some of this into my coaching sessions with clients and it’s working.
A.M. Entrepreneur, father of 2, Atlanta, GA
I used to be a lot more scared of going into emotions. I think a lot of us are like that. So I was spending a lot of time pushing feelings down. And then it was like a mindset shift for me. I just started letting myself feel things more. And then, with that attention and the space that Transformative Listening provides, I ended up feeling like release is a really great feeling. l used to do a lot of these calls in my office, and then I would come back into my house and I just feel like l'm high on life. I would just feel so good. Like I thought something out that I really needed to get out or I got attention exactly where I needed it, where I was really missing it. Just feels SO good!
(excerpted from a post-group interview, click below to hear the audio)
LD, Fairfax, CA
You Don't need More Insight.
You Need a Way to Stay Connected
When Emotions Get Big.
Most people try to think or talk their way through emotional intensity.
High-capacity people try even harder.
But the moments that shape your relationships aren’t mental.
They’re emotional.
And they happen fast.
The truth is this:
you’re not meant to navigate those moments alone.
Human beings are wired to co-regulate, to be met, to be supported, and to transform in connection.
When someone knows how to stay with you — and you know how to stay with yourself —
those once-derailing moments become the exact places where intimacy deepens.
That’s what Transformative Listening gives you.
A method for working with any emotion as it arises,
so your hardest moments become the ones that bring you closer.
If you want a relationship that gets stronger when emotions get big,
and you want a skill you can use anywhere — with your partner, your kids, your friends, your teams —
you’re in the right place.
Let’s build the kind of connection most people never get to experience.